In continuing with our theme of celebrating masculinity, I wanted to highlight something important that I think as women we tend to forget. We laugh and joke around about books like “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” or “Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti” and countless others. The truth is men and women ARE different. We can’t expect the men in our lives to behave and act like the women in our lives. They have had different programming, different experiences, and relate to their relationships in their own unique ways. It is unrealistic and gets us into trouble to expect them to be “like” us in these relationships.
When we learn to appreciate and understand masculinity and what makes a man tick, it brings a whole different dynamic to the relationship. In relationships, men and women need and want different things. They each have different needs and priorities. While men may put sex as higher importance on their relationship priority list than women may, I am NOT talking about sex being “the thing” of what makes a man tick. I am talking about Honor and Respect. If you want deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, the key is learning how to Respect him.
There is a wonderful book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs entitled, “Love and Respect.” According to the theories of Eggerichs, the love that she most desires and the respect he desperately needs causes pitfalls in relationships. The challenge in many relationships today is that we live in a vicious crazy cycle. Men want respect and women want love and neither party can effectively provide. However, a man can’t love a woman who doesn’t respect him. This is intuitive as you can imagine love can’t happen in ANY relationship where respect is not a foundation. And a woman can’t respect a man if she doesn’t feel loved and seen. If you didn’t have parents that modeled both love and respect in your household, it can be hard visualize this balance of needs. So what does respect look like to a man?
In the book, Dr. Eggerichs breaks out the needs of men and women into two different easy to remember categories. How to spell respect to your man, CHAIRS. How to spell love to your wife: COUPLE.
How to Spell Respect to your Husband:
Conquest: Appreciate his desire to work and achieve
Hierarchy: Appreciate his desire to protect and provide
Authority: Appreciate his desire to serve and lead
Insight: Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
Relationship: Appreciate his desire for Shoulder- to Shoulder Friendship
Sexuality: Appreciate his desire for Sexual Intimacy
How to Spell Love to your Wife:
Closeness: She wants you to be close
Openness: She wants you to open up to her
Understanding: Don’t try to fix her, just listen
Peacemaking: She wants you to say “I’m Sorry”
Loyalty: She wants to know your committed
Esteem: She wants you to honor and cherish her
As women, we know what it feels like to be LOVED. We crave this in our relationships and if we don’t feel loved from our partners, we can feel empty. When experience this empty feeling, and it can be hard to show respect our men. Once we are aware of the different needs, it makes it easier to take different actions in your relationship. If you really want to experience deeper levels of intimacy with your partner, it is critical that you understand your man’s basic needs. Rather than criticizing him for actions you can’t relate to, learn to appreciate and respect him for the man he is.