What is Unconditional Love Anyway?
How often to you offer love with “strings attached”, without knowing it? Or have an expectation of that if someone loves you they will do something for you?
The day before Christmas, my boys were all together under the same roof for the first time in months. All I wanted for Christmas, was my boys to take a nice family photo. I believed I was not expecting too much. But all hell broke lose when one of my son’s REFUSED to take a family photo. Can anyone else relate?
I know with little kids, it’s sometimes hard to take a photo, but you would think with adult children it would be different. My one son doesn’t like taking photos, but I figured that since it was the only thing I asked for, that he would do it. He reluctantly put on our new matching PJ’s and stood behind us as we took the photo. He turned the Christmas tree off during the photo and hid so we couldn’t see his face. When we realized he wasn’t in the photo, we asked him to take it again. We all said things like… Please put your jammies back on. Why can’t you just take a photo? I don’t understand what the big deal is with taking a picture etc…) At this point, he was done.
I tried to talk with him, but by this point, his emotional well being had hit the charts. There would be no talking. I have learned over time that when he gets triggered, he needs his space. Talking to him, asking him questions and trying to get him to engage are inconceivable to him. Anyone’s consistent probing doesn’t do any good.
I initially felt horrible. All I wanted was a picture and some family time and it turned into a dramatic affair. I did some self-reflecting on the whole event and it made me think about expectations and unconditional love.
Did I really think that him refusing to take the photo meant that he didn’t love me? Did I really think that he intentionally wanted to hurt me? Was I setting the expectation that if he loves me, he will take the photo, and if he doesn’t love me then he won’t? So many wild ideas can cross our minds, and it made me really wonder what the lesson was for me.
Each person is unique, and this son handles things very differently that I would, but it doesn’t mean I love him any less. The greatest gift I could have given him is unconditional love. Even if you don’t take a photo, I still love you. He doesn’t understand why he feels the way he does, he just knows he’s different. Sometimes he doesn’t like being different, but he is.
The next morning, I went downstairs and he wouldn’t speak to me. He was hiding under the covers. He didn’t want a lecture. I said good morning, I love you and left. Later that morning, he tapped me on the shoulder when walking by and I knew today would be a better day.
I am sure he felt bad for how things ended. He has told me before, sometimes he can’t control how his body responds and he just needs space. He didn’t want us to yell at him and blame him for what happened. The truth is, he typically asks for 24-hour notice for watching movies, pictures, family time, etc… His body needs to prepare for the connection with people. He was not ready for this type of connection and was pushed to the limit. It seems odd for the rest of us, but it is a great reminder to learn how to love and accept people for who they are. This son has made an extreme influence in my life on managing expectations and meeting people where they are and not expecting them to be just like me.
You can’t force someone to be how you want them to be. You need to understand them and invite them on the journey with you. If they follow you great, if they don’t that is ok too. It is THEIR journey.
The deeper lesson for me is that while I have expectations of what I desire in life, I am not going to let my love of myself be determined on another person’s actions or lack of action. Or think things like….
If my son doesn’t take a picture, I am not loved.
If my son doesn’t buy me a gift, I am not loved.
If my son doesn’t believe in my spiritual or life theories, I am not loved.
My LOVE, VALUE and WORTH, are not defined by anyone else. I am loved, cherished, honored, deserving and worthy, because I choose to love myself. I CHOOSE LOVE. I choose to BE LOVE. I choose to act in a loving way, even when I know the person is triggered. Fighting back is ego’s controlling response of needing to be in power and only creates drama.
In the moment after the photos, I wasn’t choosing LOVE. I was triggered. It was a power struggle. I wanted something and wasn’t getting it. I came across demanding love, which never works.
Did we both make mistakes in the process? YES
Could we have said or done things differently? YES
Did I have unrealistic expectations of what I wanted? NO
Did he have unrealistic expectations of how he would have liked the situation handled? NO
Communication on expectations and limits or boundaries are key. Only through communicating your needs and wants can we teach people how to treat us. Demanding what you want, when you want it, because you want it, never works.
Loving yourself unconditionally and knowing you are not broken, you do not need to be fixed, you are loved, deserving and worthy, allows you to shine your love and light into the world. You do not need someone else’s validation (especially your children) to know that you are loved.
YOU ARE LOVE.